Who's to Blame?

This is a little different today, normally I talk about parenting, but today I am giving a little relationship advice, and I do not mean just between parents, it is advice for anyone watching your kids, like grandparents, awesome aunts, etc...

If you know kids, you know they like to get into trouble... ok, they love to get into trouble.  It is part of the learning curve.  They have absolutely no experiences to fall back on to understand that what they are doing is not a good idea.

I love being outside with my little man.  He will all of a sudden look up at me and in his 17 month old voice say "Puppy!," or "Vrooom!"

I always think why on earth did he just say that?!?  Then, sure enough 100 blocks or so away I will hear a dog bark, or the faint whisper of a car going by.

Kids are so hyper-aware of things around them.   They are experiencing the world for the first time and it is a magical place.  It makes me want to have a more magical view of the world.

You and I have been in the good ol' outdoors so many times we lose the wonder and awe of hearing a dog bark.  Why?  Because our senses are not tuning into the dog, it is so far away his bark barely registers on the decibel meter.  We are focusing on our child who is trying to shove dirt into his mouth, or climb something they will inevitably fall off of and get hurt, or run out in the road...

I like to have imaginary grown up conversations with my kid (don't expect much as "grown up" can be used lightly for my conversations :).

"Calvin, don't put that stick in your mouth!"

"Why"

Because that is the stick that we throw for the dog."

"Exactly!!!"

"Yea, but that is just gross, it probably tastes like nastiness wrapped in dog slobber."

"But, the dog absolutely loves this stick!  Look how awesome this stick is.  You throw this stick and the dog is the happiest thing on the planet!"

"Yea, but he is a dog, so stop it!"

"What if this stick is the cure for sadness."

"It's not"

"I have never tasted it how can I be sure... what if it can make me fly?"

"It can't"

"How do you know that"

"I just do, now GIVE ME THE STICK"

"WAAAAA, WAAAAA, DADDY IT COULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME!"

"Ok, fine, go for it"

"Man, that is nasty!!!"

 It is physically impossible to watch your kid every second of every day.  So when you hear them start to cry, which they are going to do a lot, do not say to the person watching your kid. "What did you do?"

Unless the person is intentionally hurting your kid it is most likely not their fault and it will only make them feel bad and lead to arguments... (and even if it is intentional it still is sometimes not their fault... but I digress...)  Lets face it, your kid is a trouble maker because he/she takes after you.  Your kid is out there experiencing the world, learning what is good and what is bad.  They are learning the stove is hot, and that the best way to get away with something is to do it when you are not looking.  They are not nervous or worried about climbing down the stairs because they have never climbed a stair before.  This means that, by golly, they are going to go and climb down the stairs because there could be something totally amazing down there.  I mean, they have seen you go down there a lot!

Fair Warning

Babies are dirty.  I mean, babies do not clean themselves and oft get mad at you for trying to clean them. This is not a rant, it's just no one ever told me this and I wanted to pass along the information.  I was prepared for dirty diapers, messy feeding times, rolling and crawling around in the dirt, and so on, but no one warned me what would happen when it was time to clean the little bundle of spaghetti sauce and and dried on syrup from the mornings breakfast. (Every now and then I will throw in a run-on sentence to give me the literary feeling of working out, you know, kind of like a morning jog for the cerebellum)

I like to get dirty.  I don't mind playing in the dirt, picking up my french toast with my hands, or just plain rummaging through the trash for an item thrown away by my kid. I don't mind the feeling of having dirt under my fingernails, nor do I mind getting grease on my hands as I am working on my jeep.   Sadly, I do not have the time, (nor would it be appropriate :) for me to talk about the many ways I like to get dirty.

To me, however, getting dirty is only half the fun.  I also like to be clean.  I wash my hands every time I enter a bathroom whether or not a business transaction was made.  I am not afraid to change my clothes if I spill on them.  After the fun of picking up my bacon and eggs and rubbing them into my hair (like my kid does) I form a strong desire to go to the shower and shampoo.  (Before going on I feel obligated to say that I am strictly talking about personal cleanliness, so please no comments about the frequency of how often I clean my room... pretty please...)

 One thing that I had pictured about being a dad was my mini me and I would make a mess during a fun fill activity.  After the mess was made we would walk, dirt stained hand in hand over to the sink and wash up.  This does not happen.  Let me share an experience.

I have developed a habit of gathering two or three toys around my child's changing table just to keep his hands occupied.  A common fight I used to have with my boy during changing time was he would reach down and grab some of his mess and then proceed to paint with it on whatever was close.  I almost approached Disney for a new book idea called Painting with Pooh, as a squeal for their highly successful cooking book called Cooking With Pooh.

"Fine, I get it, finger painting is fun and what not, but I am done with the changing so lets get cleaned up."


"NOOOOOOO" he would yell and start to cry as I try to take the wipes and clean his hands.

The same thing happens after every meal time, play time, sleep time, or anytime he gets dirty.

"Yes, it is fun to get most of your food ON you instead of in your mouth, lets clean up now."


"NOOOOOO"

So, if like me you thought your new baby would like to get cleaned, you have been warned.  I am hopeful though, that as he gets older and realizes that girls don't like a guy who has macaroni in his hair he will start to understand the value of being clean.  Although I have to admit I do hope that day is a long way a way as I love my little messy boy.

The Diaper

I have been holding off on this topic because my kid is only getting his food from mom right not.  What does that mean?  It means that what comes out of him (while being less than ideal to have to mess around with) really isn't all that bad when you consider just how bad it could be.

It is important to note that your newborn's first couple of diaper fillings will be gross.  It will be very sticky and hard to get off, kind of like a thick black tar.  Don't worry too much it goes away and becomes normal after the first couple of days and you can usually get out of changing it by making up some excuse like "I read somewhere that changing the first couple of diapers is excellent bonding time for mother and child because it lets the baby know who is going to make him/her comfortable."

I do feel a social responsibility now to share what I know because I just got my tonsils out and my sister is going to come and visit to help with all of that.  "Sam," you may be asking, "isn't it a bit low to get your tonsils out just to get out of changing a weeks worth of diapers?"

In the words of Tom Selleck on Three Men and a Baby "I'll give you a million dollars to do it."

I am thinking of getting my tennis elbow taken care of as soon as I have milked this as long as I can.

Here are the basics

1. It is going to be gross, so man up and just go for it.
2. For the best results get everything ready before you take off the diaper.  The less time the diaper is off of your kid the less time he has to make a bigger mess.
1. Get the clean diaper ready.  Open all flaps, make sure the feces fence is up and working, and just make sure it is not defective in any way.  A good rule of thumb is don't defecate in a defective diaper.
2. Get all the wipes you will need.  This is an experience step.  It use to take me 5 wipes, but I am now down to 1 unless it is really gross.
3. Get the rash cream and bum protector ready.   My kid had the worst diaper rash for the first month.  We tried everything and took all advice.  My advice is try everything because what works for one kid may not work for another.  I love Resinol and Aquaphor.  We only use the Resinol if the kid has any sign of a rash, and the Aquaphor is like a vasilone and it keeps the bad stuff off of his skin.
4. If your kid needs them, get toys.  I try to make changing time fun time, because if the kid is crying during the changing process it makes it a lot harder.
3. I found that it is very important to take your time doing the steps up until now.  There is something about the changing table that makes your kid want to go more.  So I take as long a time setting up as I can so the little guy does more in the diaper and less on me.
4. Now is the time for speed.  Hold your breath, take off the diaper, wipe as fast as you can, put the new diaper in place, rub on the rash and bum protector, and fasten.
5. You do not need to fasten correctly during step 4. Because step 5 is fasten correctly... so undo a side at a time and make sure that the diaper is in place and snug.  It is important that the diaper is in place.  If it is not where it was designed to be all sorts of bad things will happen to very good people.  Also, it is important to make sure that the hard part of the fastener is over the soft diaper because it will cut your child like a paper cut on his leg.
6. Go treat yourself because you deserve it
7. Go back and get your child before treating yourself because you cannot leave him and the changing table

Period of Purple Crying

While Jamie was pregnant, being the amazing parent that she is, she made us take the parenting class offered by the hospital.  I know what you may be thinking, "Sam this is sort of action is totally unlike your laissez-faire parenting style."

You would normally be right, but when your wife promises you sex, it is hard to turn it down.  Ok, what really happened was an 8 month pregnant mamma bear told me that I would be going, so I made the wise decision to turn off the t.v. and go.

All jokes aside about having to watch multiple videos about birthing where you see everything... and different breast feeding videos... it was an amazing class.  One of the parts that stood out was a video called "The Period of Purple Crying. The period of purple crying is simply when your child won't stop crying even after you have fed them, and changed them, and rocked them, and...  It is a video to let you know that it this is very common and you shouldn't shake your baby to get them to stop, but instead it is ok if your are at your limit to just put them in their crib and walk away.

I turned to my wife and said "With my 8 years experience I should make a video about marriage called the period of purple whining."

Jamie said, "don't be modest, you have way more experience than just 8 years of whining." (I know this is a blog about fatherhood, but for those who haven't been married yet here is a little advice, don't marry someone smarter than yourself!)

My kid is amazing!  He really is a very easy going kid.  He doesn't fuss much, he smiles a lot, he loves to talk and coo.  All in all he is a very good kid, but last Friday I had my first experience with the period of purple crying.  I don't know what was happening, but from 10:00 in the morning until 6:00 at night he just kept crying.  I tried to feed him, he was ok for 10 minutes.  I tried to rock him, he was ok for 5 minutes.  I tried to read to him, to sing to him, to walk him, we went on a drive, we went to the store, I gave him medicine, I tried everything and he just kept crying.

Around 6:00, I was at my limit.  I thought I am just going to put him in his crib and drive until I ran out of gas.  Just like that the tears dried up and he started to smile at me.  For the next hour he was his happy, smiley, talkative self.  He told me all sorts of stories about drool, and gurgles, and coos.  It was amazing.  Just like I couldn't get him to stop crying, now I couldn't get him to stop cooing.  It was like the last 8 hours never happened.  It made the last 8 hours totally worth it.

Then at 7:00 he started to cry again... never mind what I said about the last 8 hours, I take it back!  I will see you when the tank reaches E. Good thing that his mom came home at 7:30 because this dad was done. For those of you trying to guess the ending to the story you would be right.  All he wanted all day was his mom.  He loves her and while he didn't "talk" to her like he did for me during that hour he was back to being generally a good kid!

What have you done as you have experienced the period of purple crying?

Who's to blame?

I had a realization the other night while I was out to dinner with some friends.  During some pleasant conversation one friend lifted a cheek and let one rip...  What do you think the reactions from around the room were?  If you guessed fist bumps from all the guys you would be correct.  Also, the only way to describe the way the girls looked would be to say it was exactly how my wife looks at me when I lock our kid in the car... for the second time... in the week... but I digress!

What makes us fundamentally different when it comes to farting?  It hit me about an hour later (like a SBD to the trachea) when my son, with all the dignity he could muster, noisily filled his diaper. What were the reactions from the room?  Exactly the opposite, nastiness from all the guys and ohhh's and ahhh's from the girls. 

"How sweet, he gave you a little present!" said one.

"You mean from the sound of it the little guy gave you a BIG present!" said another.

You could tell my son loved the praise he was getting from all the ladies, he was smiling and laughing.  In fact, he loved it so much he proceeded to "fill his diaper" for a second time.  Is this where the male psyche gets his love for the bodies natural release of Nitrogen and Co2?  Yes!!!  Not to get all Freud on you, but when a bunch of hot girls are telling you that something you just did was awesome, it makes you want to do it more! And thus an innate love is born.

Why did it change?  Why did us guys find it hilarious when one of us let loose, but when the baby did all of a sudden it turned into a nasty bodily function?  The answer is simple: We know the truth.  If my friends "race car leaves skid marks" we don't have any clean up.  We only get the joy of spreading the story for years to come.  However, when the wife is coo'ing over the kid and he poops his pants, the wife will immediately hand the kid over for us to change him.  Hence it is hilarious when a friend does it, and not so much when Jr. does.

So, for you wives out there who keep praising your kid when he sounds the bass trumpets, don't turn around and get mad at the man of your dreams, because all he wants is some love too!

The One Armed Man

So, you now have a baby and try as you might you cannot put him down.  I know (for the ladies who may be reading) you are thinking it has to do with cleanliness because the floor might be dirty, or maybe a bonding thing... but you would be wrong.  The reason us guys can't put down our baby is simply that it drives you gals crazy.  You see when a guy is holding a baby suddenly 35 extra pounds simply melt off of him, his receding hair line is now as full as Fabio's, and the fact that he still may live in his mother's basement doesn't seem to matter at all.  You see, he is holding a BABY!!!

I know when my wife and I are fighting all I need to do is pick up the kid and say "look dear, he has your cute chin."

"Ahhhh, you really think so?"  She will say, "I kind of think it looks like aunt so and so or..."

Crisis adverted!

What does this lead to?  Well, it leads to doing everything one handed.

Here is a little advice for the newly turned dad.

Pushing a shopping cart one handed is extremely hard, especially if you are on your phone, so remember a kid in the cart is worth one in the hand.

Only eat things that can be licked off of a forehead.

Don't eat things things in liquid that will run into your child's eyes, like cereal.

Neglect is not cool, if it is putting your child in danger all your charm is lost.  You can put the kid down if needed.

So, for you dads to be, get practicing and we will see you out there... one handed!

Sleep

OK Calvin, this is called 6:00 P.M. See, it is still bright outside.  We do not want to sleep right now.  Stay awake baby, stay awake PLEASE!  If you fall asleep now then you will be awake at what we call 3:00 A.M when it is dark.  No really, STAY AWAKE!  How about if I vacuum... no, how about if I mow the lawn... still no, band practice with the drums and guitars... still no huh!  How about if I tickle your sides... How can you sleep even though you are wiggling around?

Calvin, this is what we call 3:00 A.M.  Remember me telling you about this?  I didn't really mean for you to experience it first hand so wide awake.  Yes, normally we don't have to be so noisy at this time!  I understand, believe me I do, I am not happy to be awake at this time too, but we can remedy that... no huh?  I thought you were still too young to think that your parents are wrong about things.

Yep, this is perfect, 9:00 A.M. and NOW you choose to sleep.  Let me just sleep too... or take a quick shower and go to work... yep, the latter.

Is it ok to sometimes want to trade your new born baby in for a perfect night of sleep?  Do you think that it is ok to sometimes love taking a nap a little more than you do your child?  I do!

Now for that long lost friend I use to know called rest, I will miss you and hope to see you soon!