The Diaper

I have been holding off on this topic because my kid is only getting his food from mom right not.  What does that mean?  It means that what comes out of him (while being less than ideal to have to mess around with) really isn't all that bad when you consider just how bad it could be.

It is important to note that your newborn's first couple of diaper fillings will be gross.  It will be very sticky and hard to get off, kind of like a thick black tar.  Don't worry too much it goes away and becomes normal after the first couple of days and you can usually get out of changing it by making up some excuse like "I read somewhere that changing the first couple of diapers is excellent bonding time for mother and child because it lets the baby know who is going to make him/her comfortable."

I do feel a social responsibility now to share what I know because I just got my tonsils out and my sister is going to come and visit to help with all of that.  "Sam," you may be asking, "isn't it a bit low to get your tonsils out just to get out of changing a weeks worth of diapers?"

In the words of Tom Selleck on Three Men and a Baby "I'll give you a million dollars to do it."

I am thinking of getting my tennis elbow taken care of as soon as I have milked this as long as I can.

Here are the basics

1. It is going to be gross, so man up and just go for it.
2. For the best results get everything ready before you take off the diaper.  The less time the diaper is off of your kid the less time he has to make a bigger mess.
1. Get the clean diaper ready.  Open all flaps, make sure the feces fence is up and working, and just make sure it is not defective in any way.  A good rule of thumb is don't defecate in a defective diaper.
2. Get all the wipes you will need.  This is an experience step.  It use to take me 5 wipes, but I am now down to 1 unless it is really gross.
3. Get the rash cream and bum protector ready.   My kid had the worst diaper rash for the first month.  We tried everything and took all advice.  My advice is try everything because what works for one kid may not work for another.  I love Resinol and Aquaphor.  We only use the Resinol if the kid has any sign of a rash, and the Aquaphor is like a vasilone and it keeps the bad stuff off of his skin.
4. If your kid needs them, get toys.  I try to make changing time fun time, because if the kid is crying during the changing process it makes it a lot harder.
3. I found that it is very important to take your time doing the steps up until now.  There is something about the changing table that makes your kid want to go more.  So I take as long a time setting up as I can so the little guy does more in the diaper and less on me.
4. Now is the time for speed.  Hold your breath, take off the diaper, wipe as fast as you can, put the new diaper in place, rub on the rash and bum protector, and fasten.
5. You do not need to fasten correctly during step 4. Because step 5 is fasten correctly... so undo a side at a time and make sure that the diaper is in place and snug.  It is important that the diaper is in place.  If it is not where it was designed to be all sorts of bad things will happen to very good people.  Also, it is important to make sure that the hard part of the fastener is over the soft diaper because it will cut your child like a paper cut on his leg.
6. Go treat yourself because you deserve it
7. Go back and get your child before treating yourself because you cannot leave him and the changing table

Period of Purple Crying

While Jamie was pregnant, being the amazing parent that she is, she made us take the parenting class offered by the hospital.  I know what you may be thinking, "Sam this is sort of action is totally unlike your laissez-faire parenting style."

You would normally be right, but when your wife promises you sex, it is hard to turn it down.  Ok, what really happened was an 8 month pregnant mamma bear told me that I would be going, so I made the wise decision to turn off the t.v. and go.

All jokes aside about having to watch multiple videos about birthing where you see everything... and different breast feeding videos... it was an amazing class.  One of the parts that stood out was a video called "The Period of Purple Crying. The period of purple crying is simply when your child won't stop crying even after you have fed them, and changed them, and rocked them, and...  It is a video to let you know that it this is very common and you shouldn't shake your baby to get them to stop, but instead it is ok if your are at your limit to just put them in their crib and walk away.

I turned to my wife and said "With my 8 years experience I should make a video about marriage called the period of purple whining."

Jamie said, "don't be modest, you have way more experience than just 8 years of whining." (I know this is a blog about fatherhood, but for those who haven't been married yet here is a little advice, don't marry someone smarter than yourself!)

My kid is amazing!  He really is a very easy going kid.  He doesn't fuss much, he smiles a lot, he loves to talk and coo.  All in all he is a very good kid, but last Friday I had my first experience with the period of purple crying.  I don't know what was happening, but from 10:00 in the morning until 6:00 at night he just kept crying.  I tried to feed him, he was ok for 10 minutes.  I tried to rock him, he was ok for 5 minutes.  I tried to read to him, to sing to him, to walk him, we went on a drive, we went to the store, I gave him medicine, I tried everything and he just kept crying.

Around 6:00, I was at my limit.  I thought I am just going to put him in his crib and drive until I ran out of gas.  Just like that the tears dried up and he started to smile at me.  For the next hour he was his happy, smiley, talkative self.  He told me all sorts of stories about drool, and gurgles, and coos.  It was amazing.  Just like I couldn't get him to stop crying, now I couldn't get him to stop cooing.  It was like the last 8 hours never happened.  It made the last 8 hours totally worth it.

Then at 7:00 he started to cry again... never mind what I said about the last 8 hours, I take it back!  I will see you when the tank reaches E. Good thing that his mom came home at 7:30 because this dad was done. For those of you trying to guess the ending to the story you would be right.  All he wanted all day was his mom.  He loves her and while he didn't "talk" to her like he did for me during that hour he was back to being generally a good kid!

What have you done as you have experienced the period of purple crying?

Who's to blame?

I had a realization the other night while I was out to dinner with some friends.  During some pleasant conversation one friend lifted a cheek and let one rip...  What do you think the reactions from around the room were?  If you guessed fist bumps from all the guys you would be correct.  Also, the only way to describe the way the girls looked would be to say it was exactly how my wife looks at me when I lock our kid in the car... for the second time... in the week... but I digress!

What makes us fundamentally different when it comes to farting?  It hit me about an hour later (like a SBD to the trachea) when my son, with all the dignity he could muster, noisily filled his diaper. What were the reactions from the room?  Exactly the opposite, nastiness from all the guys and ohhh's and ahhh's from the girls. 

"How sweet, he gave you a little present!" said one.

"You mean from the sound of it the little guy gave you a BIG present!" said another.

You could tell my son loved the praise he was getting from all the ladies, he was smiling and laughing.  In fact, he loved it so much he proceeded to "fill his diaper" for a second time.  Is this where the male psyche gets his love for the bodies natural release of Nitrogen and Co2?  Yes!!!  Not to get all Freud on you, but when a bunch of hot girls are telling you that something you just did was awesome, it makes you want to do it more! And thus an innate love is born.

Why did it change?  Why did us guys find it hilarious when one of us let loose, but when the baby did all of a sudden it turned into a nasty bodily function?  The answer is simple: We know the truth.  If my friends "race car leaves skid marks" we don't have any clean up.  We only get the joy of spreading the story for years to come.  However, when the wife is coo'ing over the kid and he poops his pants, the wife will immediately hand the kid over for us to change him.  Hence it is hilarious when a friend does it, and not so much when Jr. does.

So, for you wives out there who keep praising your kid when he sounds the bass trumpets, don't turn around and get mad at the man of your dreams, because all he wants is some love too!

The One Armed Man

So, you now have a baby and try as you might you cannot put him down.  I know (for the ladies who may be reading) you are thinking it has to do with cleanliness because the floor might be dirty, or maybe a bonding thing... but you would be wrong.  The reason us guys can't put down our baby is simply that it drives you gals crazy.  You see when a guy is holding a baby suddenly 35 extra pounds simply melt off of him, his receding hair line is now as full as Fabio's, and the fact that he still may live in his mother's basement doesn't seem to matter at all.  You see, he is holding a BABY!!!

I know when my wife and I are fighting all I need to do is pick up the kid and say "look dear, he has your cute chin."

"Ahhhh, you really think so?"  She will say, "I kind of think it looks like aunt so and so or..."

Crisis adverted!

What does this lead to?  Well, it leads to doing everything one handed.

Here is a little advice for the newly turned dad.

Pushing a shopping cart one handed is extremely hard, especially if you are on your phone, so remember a kid in the cart is worth one in the hand.

Only eat things that can be licked off of a forehead.

Don't eat things things in liquid that will run into your child's eyes, like cereal.

Neglect is not cool, if it is putting your child in danger all your charm is lost.  You can put the kid down if needed.

So, for you dads to be, get practicing and we will see you out there... one handed!

Sleep

OK Calvin, this is called 6:00 P.M. See, it is still bright outside.  We do not want to sleep right now.  Stay awake baby, stay awake PLEASE!  If you fall asleep now then you will be awake at what we call 3:00 A.M when it is dark.  No really, STAY AWAKE!  How about if I vacuum... no, how about if I mow the lawn... still no, band practice with the drums and guitars... still no huh!  How about if I tickle your sides... How can you sleep even though you are wiggling around?

Calvin, this is what we call 3:00 A.M.  Remember me telling you about this?  I didn't really mean for you to experience it first hand so wide awake.  Yes, normally we don't have to be so noisy at this time!  I understand, believe me I do, I am not happy to be awake at this time too, but we can remedy that... no huh?  I thought you were still too young to think that your parents are wrong about things.

Yep, this is perfect, 9:00 A.M. and NOW you choose to sleep.  Let me just sleep too... or take a quick shower and go to work... yep, the latter.

Is it ok to sometimes want to trade your new born baby in for a perfect night of sleep?  Do you think that it is ok to sometimes love taking a nap a little more than you do your child?  I do!

Now for that long lost friend I use to know called rest, I will miss you and hope to see you soon!

The First Time

I will always remember my first time... to see my baby that is. My very first thought was "pull out the DNA tester." I wasn't so much concerned whether or not the baby was mine, I was more concerned that he was human verses some sort of alien monster's child.

I have seen Shar Pei pups with less wrinkles. Also, his skin was a shade of purple to make most sunsets blush.  As quickly as a nice summer sunset, the purple started to fade. I think the only word for the new color appearing was... pale.  I guess that is exactly what a persons would look like after sitting nine months in a hot tub only to emerge and take one's first breaths.

I have to say I was super impressed with how fast the hospital nurses wiped all of the... stuff... off of him and got him all wrapped up and snuggled with his mom! They were so fast that neither Jamie or I thought to check out the gender of the baby. "Wait," Jamie said, "we haven't seen what it is yet."

A quick reveal showed that he was indeed a boy. "Way to go son." I thought... although he did nothing really important except be male.  I guess if it was a girl I would have thought something stupid like... "there goes daddy's line of credit."

I thought babies were supposed to be cute so they would bond better with their parents!  Next thought --- I kid you not --- "Holy CRAP! Jamie thinks the baby IS cute, cone head and all!!!"

"Look Sam," she says, "he looks just like you!"

All bald jokes aside, I guess I'd better start the botox and tanning sessions asap!

The "Room"

So, you think you are ready to be a father? The hard part is done, your wife is baking bread, and you can't wait to see your bundle of joy. Set all thoughts aside, you will never be ready to be a father until you are able to pass through the "Room."

At first sight it looks like a glorified bedroom all safe and innocent. It has a bed that is totally adjustable, a couch, a rocker, some fancy looking machinery, yep nothing out of the ordinary... If you think that, you are in for quite a surprise. You see, it is a torture chamber, not for the mother to be, but mostly for expecting fathers.

I did everything I could to try to not be there in the room. I promised to not be an absentee father, I promised to rub feet everyday for years, I promised the world, but nothing. So, with the threat of raising her child alone, my wife made me be there through all of the screaming, sweat, and blood.

You see, mothers don't really see the horror of the room. They see it as a time to first meet their brand new cuddle doll. When I ask my wife what she remembers about the room, she said I really only remember them putting my new baby on my chest and seeing him for the first time, then after that I couldn't help but think of how fun it was to cuddle him!

Oh please, do you not remember writhing in agony for 10 hours, the long needle they shoved in your back, pushing out a freight train through your tender areas? Because that is really all I remember! And while I don't think anything will ever really ruin sex for me... this was a close call!

But seriously though, Once all of the screaming, the ripping, the crying, the pain, and the tears are over there he is! Your perfect baby, and there really are fewer things as awesome as that.