Who's to blame?

I had a realization the other night while I was out to dinner with some friends.  During some pleasant conversation one friend lifted a cheek and let one rip...  What do you think the reactions from around the room were?  If you guessed fist bumps from all the guys you would be correct.  Also, the only way to describe the way the girls looked would be to say it was exactly how my wife looks at me when I lock our kid in the car... for the second time... in the week... but I digress!

What makes us fundamentally different when it comes to farting?  It hit me about an hour later (like a SBD to the trachea) when my son, with all the dignity he could muster, noisily filled his diaper. What were the reactions from the room?  Exactly the opposite, nastiness from all the guys and ohhh's and ahhh's from the girls. 

"How sweet, he gave you a little present!" said one.

"You mean from the sound of it the little guy gave you a BIG present!" said another.

You could tell my son loved the praise he was getting from all the ladies, he was smiling and laughing.  In fact, he loved it so much he proceeded to "fill his diaper" for a second time.  Is this where the male psyche gets his love for the bodies natural release of Nitrogen and Co2?  Yes!!!  Not to get all Freud on you, but when a bunch of hot girls are telling you that something you just did was awesome, it makes you want to do it more! And thus an innate love is born.

Why did it change?  Why did us guys find it hilarious when one of us let loose, but when the baby did all of a sudden it turned into a nasty bodily function?  The answer is simple: We know the truth.  If my friends "race car leaves skid marks" we don't have any clean up.  We only get the joy of spreading the story for years to come.  However, when the wife is coo'ing over the kid and he poops his pants, the wife will immediately hand the kid over for us to change him.  Hence it is hilarious when a friend does it, and not so much when Jr. does.

So, for you wives out there who keep praising your kid when he sounds the bass trumpets, don't turn around and get mad at the man of your dreams, because all he wants is some love too!

The One Armed Man

So, you now have a baby and try as you might you cannot put him down.  I know (for the ladies who may be reading) you are thinking it has to do with cleanliness because the floor might be dirty, or maybe a bonding thing... but you would be wrong.  The reason us guys can't put down our baby is simply that it drives you gals crazy.  You see when a guy is holding a baby suddenly 35 extra pounds simply melt off of him, his receding hair line is now as full as Fabio's, and the fact that he still may live in his mother's basement doesn't seem to matter at all.  You see, he is holding a BABY!!!

I know when my wife and I are fighting all I need to do is pick up the kid and say "look dear, he has your cute chin."

"Ahhhh, you really think so?"  She will say, "I kind of think it looks like aunt so and so or..."

Crisis adverted!

What does this lead to?  Well, it leads to doing everything one handed.

Here is a little advice for the newly turned dad.

Pushing a shopping cart one handed is extremely hard, especially if you are on your phone, so remember a kid in the cart is worth one in the hand.

Only eat things that can be licked off of a forehead.

Don't eat things things in liquid that will run into your child's eyes, like cereal.

Neglect is not cool, if it is putting your child in danger all your charm is lost.  You can put the kid down if needed.

So, for you dads to be, get practicing and we will see you out there... one handed!