I will always remember my first time... to see my baby that is. My very first thought was "pull out the DNA tester." I wasn't so much concerned whether or not the baby was mine, I was more concerned that he was human verses some sort of alien monster's child.
I have seen Shar Pei pups with less wrinkles. Also, his skin was a shade of purple to make most sunsets blush. As quickly as a nice summer sunset, the purple started to fade. I think the only word for the new color appearing was... pale. I guess that is exactly what a persons would look like after sitting nine months in a hot tub only to emerge and take one's first breaths.
I have to say I was super impressed with how fast the hospital nurses wiped all of the... stuff... off of him and got him all wrapped up and snuggled with his mom! They were so fast that neither Jamie or I thought to check out the gender of the baby. "Wait," Jamie said, "we haven't seen what it is yet."
A quick reveal showed that he was indeed a boy. "Way to go son." I thought... although he did nothing really important except be male. I guess if it was a girl I would have thought something stupid like... "there goes daddy's line of credit."
I thought babies were supposed to be cute so they would bond better with their parents! Next thought --- I kid you not --- "Holy CRAP! Jamie thinks the baby IS cute, cone head and all!!!"
"Look Sam," she says, "he looks just like you!"
All bald jokes aside, I guess I'd better start the botox and tanning sessions asap!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
The "Room"
So, you think you are ready to be a father? The hard part is done, your wife is baking bread, and you can't wait to see your bundle of joy. Set all thoughts aside, you will never be ready to be a father until you are able to pass through the "Room."
At first sight it looks like a glorified bedroom all safe and innocent. It has a bed that is totally adjustable, a couch, a rocker, some fancy looking machinery, yep nothing out of the ordinary... If you think that, you are in for quite a surprise. You see, it is a torture chamber, not for the mother to be, but mostly for expecting fathers.
I did everything I could to try to not be there in the room. I promised to not be an absentee father, I promised to rub feet everyday for years, I promised the world, but nothing. So, with the threat of raising her child alone, my wife made me be there through all of the screaming, sweat, and blood.
You see, mothers don't really see the horror of the room. They see it as a time to first meet their brand new cuddle doll. When I ask my wife what she remembers about the room, she said I really only remember them putting my new baby on my chest and seeing him for the first time, then after that I couldn't help but think of how fun it was to cuddle him!
Oh please, do you not remember writhing in agony for 10 hours, the long needle they shoved in your back, pushing out a freight train through your tender areas? Because that is really all I remember! And while I don't think anything will ever really ruin sex for me... this was a close call!
But seriously though, Once all of the screaming, the ripping, the crying, the pain, and the tears are over there he is! Your perfect baby, and there really are fewer things as awesome as that.
At first sight it looks like a glorified bedroom all safe and innocent. It has a bed that is totally adjustable, a couch, a rocker, some fancy looking machinery, yep nothing out of the ordinary... If you think that, you are in for quite a surprise. You see, it is a torture chamber, not for the mother to be, but mostly for expecting fathers.
I did everything I could to try to not be there in the room. I promised to not be an absentee father, I promised to rub feet everyday for years, I promised the world, but nothing. So, with the threat of raising her child alone, my wife made me be there through all of the screaming, sweat, and blood.
You see, mothers don't really see the horror of the room. They see it as a time to first meet their brand new cuddle doll. When I ask my wife what she remembers about the room, she said I really only remember them putting my new baby on my chest and seeing him for the first time, then after that I couldn't help but think of how fun it was to cuddle him!
Oh please, do you not remember writhing in agony for 10 hours, the long needle they shoved in your back, pushing out a freight train through your tender areas? Because that is really all I remember! And while I don't think anything will ever really ruin sex for me... this was a close call!
But seriously though, Once all of the screaming, the ripping, the crying, the pain, and the tears are over there he is! Your perfect baby, and there really are fewer things as awesome as that.
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