Who's to blame?

I had a realization the other night while I was out to dinner with some friends.  During some pleasant conversation one friend lifted a cheek and let one rip...  What do you think the reactions from around the room were?  If you guessed fist bumps from all the guys you would be correct.  Also, the only way to describe the way the girls looked would be to say it was exactly how my wife looks at me when I lock our kid in the car... for the second time... in the week... but I digress!

What makes us fundamentally different when it comes to farting?  It hit me about an hour later (like a SBD to the trachea) when my son, with all the dignity he could muster, noisily filled his diaper. What were the reactions from the room?  Exactly the opposite, nastiness from all the guys and ohhh's and ahhh's from the girls. 

"How sweet, he gave you a little present!" said one.

"You mean from the sound of it the little guy gave you a BIG present!" said another.

You could tell my son loved the praise he was getting from all the ladies, he was smiling and laughing.  In fact, he loved it so much he proceeded to "fill his diaper" for a second time.  Is this where the male psyche gets his love for the bodies natural release of Nitrogen and Co2?  Yes!!!  Not to get all Freud on you, but when a bunch of hot girls are telling you that something you just did was awesome, it makes you want to do it more! And thus an innate love is born.

Why did it change?  Why did us guys find it hilarious when one of us let loose, but when the baby did all of a sudden it turned into a nasty bodily function?  The answer is simple: We know the truth.  If my friends "race car leaves skid marks" we don't have any clean up.  We only get the joy of spreading the story for years to come.  However, when the wife is coo'ing over the kid and he poops his pants, the wife will immediately hand the kid over for us to change him.  Hence it is hilarious when a friend does it, and not so much when Jr. does.

So, for you wives out there who keep praising your kid when he sounds the bass trumpets, don't turn around and get mad at the man of your dreams, because all he wants is some love too!

The One Armed Man

So, you now have a baby and try as you might you cannot put him down.  I know (for the ladies who may be reading) you are thinking it has to do with cleanliness because the floor might be dirty, or maybe a bonding thing... but you would be wrong.  The reason us guys can't put down our baby is simply that it drives you gals crazy.  You see when a guy is holding a baby suddenly 35 extra pounds simply melt off of him, his receding hair line is now as full as Fabio's, and the fact that he still may live in his mother's basement doesn't seem to matter at all.  You see, he is holding a BABY!!!

I know when my wife and I are fighting all I need to do is pick up the kid and say "look dear, he has your cute chin."

"Ahhhh, you really think so?"  She will say, "I kind of think it looks like aunt so and so or..."

Crisis adverted!

What does this lead to?  Well, it leads to doing everything one handed.

Here is a little advice for the newly turned dad.

Pushing a shopping cart one handed is extremely hard, especially if you are on your phone, so remember a kid in the cart is worth one in the hand.

Only eat things that can be licked off of a forehead.

Don't eat things things in liquid that will run into your child's eyes, like cereal.

Neglect is not cool, if it is putting your child in danger all your charm is lost.  You can put the kid down if needed.

So, for you dads to be, get practicing and we will see you out there... one handed!

Sleep

OK Calvin, this is called 6:00 P.M. See, it is still bright outside.  We do not want to sleep right now.  Stay awake baby, stay awake PLEASE!  If you fall asleep now then you will be awake at what we call 3:00 A.M when it is dark.  No really, STAY AWAKE!  How about if I vacuum... no, how about if I mow the lawn... still no, band practice with the drums and guitars... still no huh!  How about if I tickle your sides... How can you sleep even though you are wiggling around?

Calvin, this is what we call 3:00 A.M.  Remember me telling you about this?  I didn't really mean for you to experience it first hand so wide awake.  Yes, normally we don't have to be so noisy at this time!  I understand, believe me I do, I am not happy to be awake at this time too, but we can remedy that... no huh?  I thought you were still too young to think that your parents are wrong about things.

Yep, this is perfect, 9:00 A.M. and NOW you choose to sleep.  Let me just sleep too... or take a quick shower and go to work... yep, the latter.

Is it ok to sometimes want to trade your new born baby in for a perfect night of sleep?  Do you think that it is ok to sometimes love taking a nap a little more than you do your child?  I do!

Now for that long lost friend I use to know called rest, I will miss you and hope to see you soon!

The First Time

I will always remember my first time... to see my baby that is. My very first thought was "pull out the DNA tester." I wasn't so much concerned whether or not the baby was mine, I was more concerned that he was human verses some sort of alien monster's child.

I have seen Shar Pei pups with less wrinkles. Also, his skin was a shade of purple to make most sunsets blush.  As quickly as a nice summer sunset, the purple started to fade. I think the only word for the new color appearing was... pale.  I guess that is exactly what a persons would look like after sitting nine months in a hot tub only to emerge and take one's first breaths.

I have to say I was super impressed with how fast the hospital nurses wiped all of the... stuff... off of him and got him all wrapped up and snuggled with his mom! They were so fast that neither Jamie or I thought to check out the gender of the baby. "Wait," Jamie said, "we haven't seen what it is yet."

A quick reveal showed that he was indeed a boy. "Way to go son." I thought... although he did nothing really important except be male.  I guess if it was a girl I would have thought something stupid like... "there goes daddy's line of credit."

I thought babies were supposed to be cute so they would bond better with their parents!  Next thought --- I kid you not --- "Holy CRAP! Jamie thinks the baby IS cute, cone head and all!!!"

"Look Sam," she says, "he looks just like you!"

All bald jokes aside, I guess I'd better start the botox and tanning sessions asap!

The "Room"

So, you think you are ready to be a father? The hard part is done, your wife is baking bread, and you can't wait to see your bundle of joy. Set all thoughts aside, you will never be ready to be a father until you are able to pass through the "Room."

At first sight it looks like a glorified bedroom all safe and innocent. It has a bed that is totally adjustable, a couch, a rocker, some fancy looking machinery, yep nothing out of the ordinary... If you think that, you are in for quite a surprise. You see, it is a torture chamber, not for the mother to be, but mostly for expecting fathers.

I did everything I could to try to not be there in the room. I promised to not be an absentee father, I promised to rub feet everyday for years, I promised the world, but nothing. So, with the threat of raising her child alone, my wife made me be there through all of the screaming, sweat, and blood.

You see, mothers don't really see the horror of the room. They see it as a time to first meet their brand new cuddle doll. When I ask my wife what she remembers about the room, she said I really only remember them putting my new baby on my chest and seeing him for the first time, then after that I couldn't help but think of how fun it was to cuddle him!

Oh please, do you not remember writhing in agony for 10 hours, the long needle they shoved in your back, pushing out a freight train through your tender areas? Because that is really all I remember! And while I don't think anything will ever really ruin sex for me... this was a close call!

But seriously though, Once all of the screaming, the ripping, the crying, the pain, and the tears are over there he is! Your perfect baby, and there really are fewer things as awesome as that.